he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
