btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
