I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
