I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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