New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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