I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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