Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
