These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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