gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
