Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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