Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the raccoons are back...
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