Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
