i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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