I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
