Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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