I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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