I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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