How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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