Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
