True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My boob is missing a layer of skin
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
