Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
