Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
