oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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