I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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