I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
