....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
