Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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