he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I've blown a few things in my day
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
