1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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