I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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