I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
