One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
