god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
