sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
two words: eviction party
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
