Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
