They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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