Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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