So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
