an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
