i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
