I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
