mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
