An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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