My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
