apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
