The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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