Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
foreskin is a definite game changer
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
