your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
