"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
