even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
