Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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