Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
